Stress is an interesting thing, and how it seems to affect everyone differently. Some eat, or don't eat, some sleep or don't sleep, some slow down, some speed up, some are quiet, some are loud, some can deal and others, well, not so much. We've run the whole gamut of emotions here in our home with five kids over the last 23 years, it has been quite the journey. It sometimes takes years to figure out your own pattern of stress and how to deal with it, let alone try to figure out the others who live under the same room. Just when I think I have it all figured out, I'm totally blown away. Girls are different from the boys, boys are different from the girls, and they are all so different from each other. It's actually a bit draining.
My fourth child whom I call my little lady bug, is having a difficult time with this public school thing. She is such a smart girl, and very talented in many ways. She loves clothing, and "fashion"(at least the kind we can afford, which is GW and SA) and adores the whole accessorizing concept! I often need to remind her that not everyone thinks that way or even cares, since she is always giving her "opinion" about someones outfit, when out and about. She has an eye for that but as crazy as it sounds she is also a nerd, she loves to read and write. Algebra...ugh, she wishes she could get by without it, and HATES that she cannot. She does not mind Science, History, or any other subject really, just Algebra! How does one help someone who hates Algebra, when they dislike, ok, hate it as well. Perhaps I am the reason she hates it, not sure. She got off the bus yesterday and was just a mess till she got through the kitchen doors, all she could say is I HATE ALGEBRA! I tried hard not to give her the "honey, it's a necessary evil" line, and I wasn't quite sure it was healthy to say, "there, there now" either. I just listened, and didn't say much. It was actually very painful...and nothing that cookies and milk could fix. She worked through it, got a snack, changed, and went out to do the animal chores, but I knew she was still struggling. I wish I could make this better, but I'm thinking this is one of those "they have to work it out themselves" kinda things.
I am looking forward to this four day weekend, and even though she is scheduled to work, I am hoping she can get the much needed rest from her stress, that she needs. I am also hoping to see that great smile of hers again.
Parenting....it's tough stuff!
8/30/12
8/29/12
Cookies and Milk~
Yesterday was a tad better. Lockers seem to be a real issue for both girls, the long hall ways and the sea of faces are a bit more stressful for my oldest. Praying today is a little better.
I am cherishing the time we have to pray in the morning, before they leave, as well as the debriefing time around our kitchen table everyday after school. Cookies and milk were made for this sort of thing. Its obvious that they are a bit stressed, but I know they have what it takes to persevere.
~Lord, I am begging for you to wrap your arms around them in such a way, that they are not afraid, and that the stress would subside and that they can relax and enjoy this journey. Thank you for your protection thus far, and Lord I pray that you will use them in a mighty way for your glory! Amen.
Here on the home front, I'm slowly feeling relief from the pressure in my chest, and my blood pressure seems to be coming down a hair, but hopefully as time goes on that will continue to drop. I'm feeling a bit guilty, but trying to release that too. I miss the girls a lot today, and the house is a bit too quiet. We shall see how this all pans out.
I am cherishing the time we have to pray in the morning, before they leave, as well as the debriefing time around our kitchen table everyday after school. Cookies and milk were made for this sort of thing. Its obvious that they are a bit stressed, but I know they have what it takes to persevere.
~Lord, I am begging for you to wrap your arms around them in such a way, that they are not afraid, and that the stress would subside and that they can relax and enjoy this journey. Thank you for your protection thus far, and Lord I pray that you will use them in a mighty way for your glory! Amen.
Here on the home front, I'm slowly feeling relief from the pressure in my chest, and my blood pressure seems to be coming down a hair, but hopefully as time goes on that will continue to drop. I'm feeling a bit guilty, but trying to release that too. I miss the girls a lot today, and the house is a bit too quiet. We shall see how this all pans out.
8/28/12
Change is hard!
8/21/12
Panic Attack
Woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing....thinking of my Natalie and being in public school. I'm a bit more apprehensive about her. I was actually having SVT's over it, and had to consciously bear down to make them go away. I was fine after about 2 minutes, but it was scary. I laid there for the next several hours mulling over my decision, and asking the Lord to help me. I drifted off to sleep and slept well. When I woke I dealt with several e-mails regarding homeschooling, where I needed to let them know we were no longer going to be in the program, and that my girls would be heading to public school. I thank the Lord for the positive responses I received, for right now I could not bare to hear someone give me a hard time about it. Lord, one minute at a time...they are all yours. Do glorious things in Natalie's and Rebecca's life, Lord...so that you may be honored and glorified.
8/20/12
Change of plans~
I have Peace! And, it's going to be ok! I have struggled with homeschooling the last couple of years, its been very draining, especially since I do not get help from dad, due to his very busy schedule. I work three different part time jobs, one of which is a business that I've been building over the last six years, all while trying to keep up with five kids, the house and all the animals. It doesn't matter if they are home or away, as there is always paper work, insurance stuff, and multiple issues that they need help with, most of which I just guide them with, but it still takes time and energy.
A few years ago, after some marital counceling, it was suggested that we put the kids in school. Hubby was all for it, but I was not ready for that...and fought it all the way. It was hard for me to believe that something the Lord so clearly called me to do, would be coming to an end. God may have started the process back then, but I thank him for being patient with me and giving me more time to build a firm foundation in them. My convictions were still very strong. I did not feel it was time, so I pushed on, tired, and getting more and more burnt out; feeling like "this is only for a season," or "they will be all grown up before I know it"..."so, I must carry on."
Well, this summer I heard myself say, "I'm just so tired" I can't do it anymore. I also started to feel like I didn't want to get out of bed, I always did, but I always struggled. I know they're not good signs, and since I am not a quitter, they were making me mad, mad at myself. Then I started asking God to give me a sign, ANY sign. I remember back in July, I was at a stop sign, and I asked God for an answer, like, a Yes or a No sign. I saw a 'No Parking' sign and thought, "Ok, it's no", then I saw the word Yes, later on the computer, and I was like, "Lord, help me, for I am weak, I don't know what to do!" I'm tired! Help me! Please! Then, I prayed with the lady who I aid for on Wednesday nights, and she suggested that I continue homeschooling, she even prayed a beautiful prayer for me to have peace about all the things I was worried about. I had a hard time with that, and she knew it, and she suggested that I let go of that battle, rest in his peace that I now have an answer. But, I didn't. I knew it wasn't my real answer. Yet, I still could not admit that I was done, not even at least for the school year. I continued to struggle and cry, and stare, and think and then stare some more. I would come up with all the typical scenarios that any "right minded homeschool mother" would come up with. I day dreamed about my girls being at the school and all the thoughts of "what if" a shooter came in, and what if they got hurt? I daydreamed about how they will probably become rude, ignorant, want to dress like sleaze buckets, wear make up, and hate me. I was torchering myself, because then I would daydream about not getting out of bed or just shopping all day, and not really schooling, if they stayed home. They were all just day dreams here or there, and I knew I was drained. I didn't want to be responsible for their curriculum and what they still needed to learn. Most of all I sure didn't want anyone knowing what I was struggling with...so I kept pressing on.
I just needed to get myself together, do what was right, and homeschool! But I started hating life. That is not me. I was put on blood pressure medication this summer, and they're having a hard time regulating it, it's still not right. I deal with tiredness, and fatigue. I don't feel I'm depressed, but I guess one might feel I am, by all that I've just shared.
Two weeks ago, some dear friends of ours stopped over, their daughter had just got married and they had some items to return to me, so they were going to drop off and go, however, it happened to be my birthday dinner night, and we were getting ready to sit down to eat, I invited them to stay. We were having corn from our garden and a London broil, and it smelled too good to pass up.
After dinner, my husband needed to run some supplies to a job, he took the guy friend along with him and the wife stayed to help with dishes. We had a nice chat and I truly enjoyed her company. When the men got back we ended up sitting at the kitchen table talking about everything from jobs to kids to homeschooling. We knew they had homeschooled a long time and ended up sending some of their kids to public school. We asked them all sorts of questions. We wanted to know what made them decide. Did they have any regrets? They had five kids and a busy life style too. What was their final turning point? I wanted to know. In the end, they gave their opinion, a bit of advise, but through out the whole evening they were mostly supportive of either decision we would make. We ended up taking some time to pray right there, at the table, holding hands, it was precious time and tears flowed from my eyes, as the Lord brought to mind a picture of this sweet couple fourteen years ago, sitting at our kitchen in our other house, praying with us about the very idea of homeschooling. It was a sweet memory. When we were done, I shared the memory with them. The husband didn't remember but the wife did.
We were only 34, and our two oldest had been in school four years, from Pre-K to third grade. We had just moved into the Harrisburg area from the Philly area and had been going to HF church for four years. There were several homeschool families who attended the church, and I remember how I watched them and observed what was going on with the dynamics of homeschooling, this couple was one of those families. They had been over one night for my husband to teach their oldest son to change the oil in their car. The wife came along. I had a third grader, 1st grader and toddler. She and I sat for some time talking about homeschooling, and what it was like. I knew I wanted that for my family. Not because I was a brain, and could teach my kids better than the school could, but because I wanted those family dynamics, which was something I did not have growing up. Jeff was not sure it was a good idea, but was willing to pray about it with this couple that night.
I do not hold any animosity towards my folks for the extremely dysfunctional lifestyle we led, as I totally believe God has used it in a mighty way to make me into who I am today, and part of that is a homeschool mom. I HAVE NO REGRETS and would do it ALL over again.
Anyway, like I was saying, the Lord gave me that vision/memory while we were praying this time, and I was totally in awe of him and how he had used this couple to guide us to the decision of homeschooling, and now here we were struggling with possibly ending that chapter. They just happened to be here and the timing could not be more perfect for I only had two weeks to make up my mind. It was all too crazy! I certainly didn't take that as an answer that night, rather as a comfort, that God was there with me in this decision, like he was back then.
I had started asking God to make things clear, to give me clear vision, and most of all to take away any guilt that I might have, and to convict me if I should continue to homeschool this year. Ironically that Sunday of my birthday dinner, I had gone to church by myself, and our pastor preached a sermon that made me think...and think hard. Then the following week, after our meeting with our friends, I prayed all the way into church that the Lord would "kick me in my pants today," I needed to know...I needed to know today! My girls just wanted to know either way. That was fair, and I need to do that. Well, he did. We had a different pastor preach that day, and it could not have been more clear for me. I was being driven by fear...fear of failure, failure to be a good mom, a good homeschooling mom, and fear of what others would say, what any"good homeschooling..all their kids, kind of homeschooling moms," would say. What would the public school say, you know they look at it like you are giving them your mistake. Then there is the, what will non-homeschoolers say, what will they think? What will our parents say, will one set say, "oh no!" and the other "I told you so", or worse yet, "I didn't think you could go the whole way?" All these things still bother me, but I am trying hard to let them go!
I honestly have such a peace about sending the girls. I know that God wants me to be right where I am. I am looking forward to this chapter in my life. I am going to take it one year at a time, but I am preparing myself for a whole new world too. I am looking forward to some time for myself. I am looking forward to going to a woman's bible study, or even going out to lunch with a friend on a weekday! I am looking forward to painting and cleaning, and throwing things away...I am looking forward to a whole new change of plans. I am trusting God through it!
Thank you, Lord!
A few years ago, after some marital counceling, it was suggested that we put the kids in school. Hubby was all for it, but I was not ready for that...and fought it all the way. It was hard for me to believe that something the Lord so clearly called me to do, would be coming to an end. God may have started the process back then, but I thank him for being patient with me and giving me more time to build a firm foundation in them. My convictions were still very strong. I did not feel it was time, so I pushed on, tired, and getting more and more burnt out; feeling like "this is only for a season," or "they will be all grown up before I know it"..."so, I must carry on."
Well, this summer I heard myself say, "I'm just so tired" I can't do it anymore. I also started to feel like I didn't want to get out of bed, I always did, but I always struggled. I know they're not good signs, and since I am not a quitter, they were making me mad, mad at myself. Then I started asking God to give me a sign, ANY sign. I remember back in July, I was at a stop sign, and I asked God for an answer, like, a Yes or a No sign. I saw a 'No Parking' sign and thought, "Ok, it's no", then I saw the word Yes, later on the computer, and I was like, "Lord, help me, for I am weak, I don't know what to do!" I'm tired! Help me! Please! Then, I prayed with the lady who I aid for on Wednesday nights, and she suggested that I continue homeschooling, she even prayed a beautiful prayer for me to have peace about all the things I was worried about. I had a hard time with that, and she knew it, and she suggested that I let go of that battle, rest in his peace that I now have an answer. But, I didn't. I knew it wasn't my real answer. Yet, I still could not admit that I was done, not even at least for the school year. I continued to struggle and cry, and stare, and think and then stare some more. I would come up with all the typical scenarios that any "right minded homeschool mother" would come up with. I day dreamed about my girls being at the school and all the thoughts of "what if" a shooter came in, and what if they got hurt? I daydreamed about how they will probably become rude, ignorant, want to dress like sleaze buckets, wear make up, and hate me. I was torchering myself, because then I would daydream about not getting out of bed or just shopping all day, and not really schooling, if they stayed home. They were all just day dreams here or there, and I knew I was drained. I didn't want to be responsible for their curriculum and what they still needed to learn. Most of all I sure didn't want anyone knowing what I was struggling with...so I kept pressing on.
I just needed to get myself together, do what was right, and homeschool! But I started hating life. That is not me. I was put on blood pressure medication this summer, and they're having a hard time regulating it, it's still not right. I deal with tiredness, and fatigue. I don't feel I'm depressed, but I guess one might feel I am, by all that I've just shared.
Two weeks ago, some dear friends of ours stopped over, their daughter had just got married and they had some items to return to me, so they were going to drop off and go, however, it happened to be my birthday dinner night, and we were getting ready to sit down to eat, I invited them to stay. We were having corn from our garden and a London broil, and it smelled too good to pass up.
After dinner, my husband needed to run some supplies to a job, he took the guy friend along with him and the wife stayed to help with dishes. We had a nice chat and I truly enjoyed her company. When the men got back we ended up sitting at the kitchen table talking about everything from jobs to kids to homeschooling. We knew they had homeschooled a long time and ended up sending some of their kids to public school. We asked them all sorts of questions. We wanted to know what made them decide. Did they have any regrets? They had five kids and a busy life style too. What was their final turning point? I wanted to know. In the end, they gave their opinion, a bit of advise, but through out the whole evening they were mostly supportive of either decision we would make. We ended up taking some time to pray right there, at the table, holding hands, it was precious time and tears flowed from my eyes, as the Lord brought to mind a picture of this sweet couple fourteen years ago, sitting at our kitchen in our other house, praying with us about the very idea of homeschooling. It was a sweet memory. When we were done, I shared the memory with them. The husband didn't remember but the wife did.
We were only 34, and our two oldest had been in school four years, from Pre-K to third grade. We had just moved into the Harrisburg area from the Philly area and had been going to HF church for four years. There were several homeschool families who attended the church, and I remember how I watched them and observed what was going on with the dynamics of homeschooling, this couple was one of those families. They had been over one night for my husband to teach their oldest son to change the oil in their car. The wife came along. I had a third grader, 1st grader and toddler. She and I sat for some time talking about homeschooling, and what it was like. I knew I wanted that for my family. Not because I was a brain, and could teach my kids better than the school could, but because I wanted those family dynamics, which was something I did not have growing up. Jeff was not sure it was a good idea, but was willing to pray about it with this couple that night.
I do not hold any animosity towards my folks for the extremely dysfunctional lifestyle we led, as I totally believe God has used it in a mighty way to make me into who I am today, and part of that is a homeschool mom. I HAVE NO REGRETS and would do it ALL over again.
Anyway, like I was saying, the Lord gave me that vision/memory while we were praying this time, and I was totally in awe of him and how he had used this couple to guide us to the decision of homeschooling, and now here we were struggling with possibly ending that chapter. They just happened to be here and the timing could not be more perfect for I only had two weeks to make up my mind. It was all too crazy! I certainly didn't take that as an answer that night, rather as a comfort, that God was there with me in this decision, like he was back then.
I had started asking God to make things clear, to give me clear vision, and most of all to take away any guilt that I might have, and to convict me if I should continue to homeschool this year. Ironically that Sunday of my birthday dinner, I had gone to church by myself, and our pastor preached a sermon that made me think...and think hard. Then the following week, after our meeting with our friends, I prayed all the way into church that the Lord would "kick me in my pants today," I needed to know...I needed to know today! My girls just wanted to know either way. That was fair, and I need to do that. Well, he did. We had a different pastor preach that day, and it could not have been more clear for me. I was being driven by fear...fear of failure, failure to be a good mom, a good homeschooling mom, and fear of what others would say, what any"good homeschooling..all their kids, kind of homeschooling moms," would say. What would the public school say, you know they look at it like you are giving them your mistake. Then there is the, what will non-homeschoolers say, what will they think? What will our parents say, will one set say, "oh no!" and the other "I told you so", or worse yet, "I didn't think you could go the whole way?" All these things still bother me, but I am trying hard to let them go!
I honestly have such a peace about sending the girls. I know that God wants me to be right where I am. I am looking forward to this chapter in my life. I am going to take it one year at a time, but I am preparing myself for a whole new world too. I am looking forward to some time for myself. I am looking forward to going to a woman's bible study, or even going out to lunch with a friend on a weekday! I am looking forward to painting and cleaning, and throwing things away...I am looking forward to a whole new change of plans. I am trusting God through it!
Thank you, Lord!
8/17/12
The nest continues to get lighter~
Well, it was a full summer, everyone home, and everyone busy! It's hard to believe we are half way through August. My oldest left to go back to college to finish her last semester! So proud of her, as she will have a bachelors in Health Promotions in December! I am praying the Lord will bless her with a good job! She is such a great girl! Her trip back found her a disgusting bathroom left by her roommates, but she persevered and with a lot of bleach and magic erasers she managed to get out of the bathroom after two hours of cleaning. Can I just say that chores paid off? Very proud of her and her ability to bite her tongue.
My second oldest is about to embark on his first "college campus" experience, even though he is living off campus, it will be the first he was away for college. He went to local community college his first year, then joined the marines, I'm very proud of him and his accomplishments, now he is leaving to attend Penn Tech in Williamsport for Civil engineering! He is all set, bed, desk, tv...is there anything else, he asked? What a good kid! Love him and know that he will succeed in whatever he does. Now, if I could just get his nose out of his smart phone. Honestly, I think he looks at that thing way to much!
My middle child, just graduated from high school and is taking the Fall semester off, and is going to Peru to be a part of a medical missions team! He plans on attending the community college the winter semester. He is planning some other long trips to visit his brother and sister at college. I am happy about that, as I think he will fall in love with that atmosphere and perhaps decide continuing education isn't all that horrid. He is my hands on guy, I am hoping that the Lord will show him what he is good at! Love that boy, he just needs direction, and not from his momma, I've had him the last 18 years!
Fourth child starting High School, crazy! She is a nerd, and will do just fine! Her and her sister are taking most of their core classes at CHESS, which is a co-op of teachers who are certified in the topics they teach and will teach them one day a week, giving them five days of homework! Rebecca thrives in this environment! She is a good kid!
Fifth child entering Middle School, no more elementary kids! Life is full and fast! She will be taking her first classes at CHESS, I hope this will be a positive experience for her as she is one who loves to play. She is a ditto of Caity, though. She is a hard little worker, and so I am counting on that for jr. high.
...how did I go from sleepless nights, due to crying kids, high fevers, etc...etc...to sleepless nights due to thinking about my kids, and what will life look like for them? Heart aches are coming, losses are out there, tears are inevitable, but so is laughter and joy and mercy, which is promised, new, every morning. Lord, I need you more than ever!
My second oldest is about to embark on his first "college campus" experience, even though he is living off campus, it will be the first he was away for college. He went to local community college his first year, then joined the marines, I'm very proud of him and his accomplishments, now he is leaving to attend Penn Tech in Williamsport for Civil engineering! He is all set, bed, desk, tv...is there anything else, he asked? What a good kid! Love him and know that he will succeed in whatever he does. Now, if I could just get his nose out of his smart phone. Honestly, I think he looks at that thing way to much!
My middle child, just graduated from high school and is taking the Fall semester off, and is going to Peru to be a part of a medical missions team! He plans on attending the community college the winter semester. He is planning some other long trips to visit his brother and sister at college. I am happy about that, as I think he will fall in love with that atmosphere and perhaps decide continuing education isn't all that horrid. He is my hands on guy, I am hoping that the Lord will show him what he is good at! Love that boy, he just needs direction, and not from his momma, I've had him the last 18 years!
Fourth child starting High School, crazy! She is a nerd, and will do just fine! Her and her sister are taking most of their core classes at CHESS, which is a co-op of teachers who are certified in the topics they teach and will teach them one day a week, giving them five days of homework! Rebecca thrives in this environment! She is a good kid!
Fifth child entering Middle School, no more elementary kids! Life is full and fast! She will be taking her first classes at CHESS, I hope this will be a positive experience for her as she is one who loves to play. She is a ditto of Caity, though. She is a hard little worker, and so I am counting on that for jr. high.
...how did I go from sleepless nights, due to crying kids, high fevers, etc...etc...to sleepless nights due to thinking about my kids, and what will life look like for them? Heart aches are coming, losses are out there, tears are inevitable, but so is laughter and joy and mercy, which is promised, new, every morning. Lord, I need you more than ever!
I love flour and flowers~
I was given another opportunity to make another wedding cake, something with pinks and purples! Very fun! I really enjoyed this cake! Once again, using our favorite pound cake recipe!
Let them eat cake!
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