Change of plans~

I have Peace!  And, it's going to be ok!  I have struggled with homeschooling the last couple of years, its been very draining, especially since I do not get help from dad, due to his very busy schedule.  I work three different part time jobs, one of which is a business that I've been building over the last six years, all while trying to keep up with five kids, the house and all the animals.  It doesn't matter if they are home or away, as there is always paper work, insurance stuff, and multiple issues that they need help with, most of which I just guide them with, but it still takes time and energy.

A few years ago, after some marital counceling, it was suggested that we put the kids in school.  Hubby was all for it, but I was not ready for that...and fought it all the way.   It was hard for me to believe that something the Lord so clearly called me to do, would be coming to an end.  God may have started the process back then, but I thank him for being patient with me and giving me more time to build a firm foundation in them.  My convictions were still very strong.  I did not feel it was time, so I pushed on, tired, and getting more and more burnt out; feeling like "this is only for a season," or "they will be all grown up before I know it"..."so, I must carry on."

Well, this summer I heard myself say, "I'm just so tired" I can't do it anymore.  I also started to feel like I didn't want to get out of bed, I always did, but I always struggled.  I know they're not good signs, and since I am not a quitter, they were making me mad, mad at myself.  Then I started asking God to give me a sign, ANY sign.  I remember back in July, I was at a stop sign, and I asked God for an answer, like, a Yes or a No sign.  I saw a 'No Parking' sign and thought, "Ok, it's no", then I saw the word Yes, later on the computer, and I was like, "Lord, help me, for I am weak, I don't know what to do!"   I'm tired!  Help me!  Please!   Then, I prayed with the lady who I aid for on Wednesday nights, and she suggested that I continue homeschooling, she even prayed a beautiful prayer for me to have peace about all the things I was worried about.   I had a hard time with that, and she knew it, and she suggested that I let go of that battle, rest in his peace that I now have an answer.   But, I didn't.  I knew it wasn't my real answer.  Yet, I still could not admit that I was done, not even at least for the school year.  I continued to struggle and cry, and stare, and think and then stare some more.  I would come up with all the typical scenarios that any "right minded homeschool mother" would come up with.   I day dreamed about my girls being at the school and all the thoughts of "what if" a shooter came in, and what if they got hurt?   I daydreamed about how they will probably become rude, ignorant, want to dress like sleaze buckets, wear make up, and hate me.  I was torchering myself, because then I would daydream about not getting out of bed or just shopping all day, and not really schooling, if they stayed home.  They were all just day dreams here or there, and I knew I was drained.  I didn't want to be responsible for their curriculum and what they still needed to learn.   Most of all I sure didn't want anyone knowing what I was struggling with...so I kept pressing on.

I just needed to get myself together, do what was right, and homeschool!   But I started hating life. That is not me.  I was put on blood pressure medication this summer, and they're having a hard time regulating it, it's still not right.  I deal with tiredness, and fatigue.  I don't feel I'm depressed, but I guess one might feel I am, by all that I've just shared.

Two weeks ago, some dear friends of ours stopped over, their daughter had just got married and they had some items to return to me, so they were going to drop off and go, however, it happened to be my birthday dinner night, and we were getting ready to sit down to eat, I invited them to stay.  We were having corn from our garden and a London broil, and it smelled too good to pass up.

After dinner, my husband needed to run some supplies to a job, he took the guy friend along with him and the wife stayed to help with dishes.  We had a nice chat and I truly enjoyed her company.  When the men got back we ended up sitting at the kitchen table talking about everything from jobs to kids to homeschooling.  We knew they had homeschooled a long time and ended up sending some of their kids to public school.  We asked them all sorts of questions.  We wanted to know what made them decide.  Did they have any regrets?   They had five kids and a busy life style too.  What was their  final turning point?  I wanted to know.  In the end, they gave their opinion, a bit of advise, but through out the whole evening they were mostly supportive of either decision we would make.   We ended up taking some time to pray right there, at the table, holding hands, it was precious time and tears flowed from my eyes, as the Lord brought to mind a picture of this sweet couple fourteen years ago, sitting at our kitchen in our other house, praying with us about the very idea of homeschooling. It was a sweet memory.  When we were done, I shared the memory with them.  The husband didn't remember but the wife did.
We were only 34, and our two oldest had been in school four years, from Pre-K to third grade.   We had just moved into the Harrisburg area from the Philly area and had been going to HF church for four years.  There were several homeschool families who attended the church, and I remember how  I watched them and observed what was going on with the dynamics of homeschooling, this couple was one of those families.  They had been over one night for my husband to teach their oldest son to change the oil in their car.  The wife came along.  I had a third grader, 1st grader and toddler.   She and I sat for some time talking about homeschooling, and what it was like.  I knew I wanted that for my family.  Not because I was a brain, and could teach my kids better than the school could, but because I wanted those family dynamics, which was something I did not have growing up.  Jeff was not sure it was a good idea, but was willing to pray about it with this couple that night.

I do not hold any animosity towards my folks for the extremely dysfunctional lifestyle we led, as I totally believe God has used it in a mighty way to make me into who I am today, and part of that is a homeschool mom.  I HAVE NO REGRETS and would do it ALL over again.

Anyway, like I was saying, the Lord gave me that vision/memory while we were praying this time, and I was totally in awe of him and how he had used this couple to guide us to the decision of homeschooling, and now here we were struggling with possibly ending that chapter.  They just happened to be here and the timing could not be more perfect for I only had two weeks to make up my mind.  It was all too crazy!   I certainly didn't take that as an answer that night, rather as a comfort, that God was there with me in this decision, like he was back then.

I had started asking God to make things clear, to give me clear vision, and most of all to take away any guilt that I might have, and to convict me if I should continue to homeschool this year.  Ironically that Sunday of my birthday dinner, I had gone to church by myself, and our pastor preached a sermon that made me think...and think hard.   Then the following week, after our meeting with our friends, I prayed all the way into church that the Lord would "kick me in my pants today,"  I needed to know...I needed to know today!   My girls just wanted to know either way.  That was fair, and I need to do that.  Well, he did.  We had a different pastor preach that day, and it could not have been more clear for me.  I was being driven by fear...fear of failure, failure to be a good mom, a good homeschooling mom, and fear of what others would say, what any"good homeschooling..all their kids, kind of homeschooling moms," would say.   What would the public school say, you know they look at it like you are giving them your mistake.  Then there is the, what will non-homeschoolers say, what will they think?  What will our parents say, will one set say, "oh no!" and the other "I told you so", or worse yet, "I didn't think you could go the whole way?"    All these things still bother me, but I am trying hard to let them go!

I honestly have such a peace about sending the girls.  I know that God wants me to be right where I am.  I am looking forward to this chapter in my life. I am going to take it one year at a time, but I am preparing myself for a whole new world too.   I am looking forward to some time for myself.  I am looking forward to going to a woman's bible study, or even going out to lunch with a friend on a weekday!  I am looking forward to painting and cleaning, and throwing things away...I am looking forward to a whole new change of plans.  I am trusting God through it!

Thank you, Lord!